SAWYER: The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual
by RoseOwl
Summary: NAMASTE! You are now the proud owner of a SAWYER unit! In order to achieve full use of your unit the reading of this manual is essential. You don’t want to cause a psychic kid to be kidnapped off a raft by HOSTILES do you?


**Disclaimer**: I did not come up with this owner guide/manual idea. I believe that credit goes to an author by the name of Theresa Green, who's idea lead to the creation of owner guides in other categories. And of course, I do not own LOST.

**The DHARMA Initiative**

**Presents**

**SAWYER: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**

**NAMASTE**! You are now the proud owner of a SAWYER unit! In order to achieve full use of your unit the reading of this manual is essential. You don't want to cause a psychic kid to be kidnapped off a raft by HOSTILES do you?

You should also feel pleased to know that the proceeds from your purchase are used toward the goals of the DHARMA Initiative, which is an establishment seeking the betterment of mankind, advancement of world peace and other shady business possibly leading to either creating a black hole or unleashing a horrible monster upon New York City.

Your SAWYER unit should arrive fully assembled and in upright conditions. Please check that you have all his accessories (see list below).

* * *

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

**Full Name**: James "Sawyer" Ford

**AKA**: The Island Whore, Redneck man, Hillbilly

**Porn Name**: Big plus whatever you would like to imagine.

**Manufacturer**: DHARMA Initiative, Inc.

**Date of Production**: Classified.

**Age**: 35

**Height:** 6 ' 2

**Weight**: 185-195 lbs? Not accurately known. Island diet may fluctuate.

* * *

**ACCESSORIES**

Your SAWYER unit comes with the following accessories. Please check off to make sure you have all necessary items:

One SUITCASE OF ISLAND WARDROBE (such as buttonless t-shirts, faded jeans, wrinkled shirts, straw hat. Boxers or Briefs? Pfft. No such thing for the Sawyer unit)

One LETTER WRITTEN BY YOUNG SAWYER

One COPY OF "WATERSHIP DOWN"BY RICHARD ADAMS (additional novels may be purchased through our online store)

One PAIR OF READING GLASSES

One CASE OF DHARMA BEER

One TORCH

One MIX TAPE ( it's Phil Collins but you may order different tapes from our online store to suit your tastes)

One DECK OF PLAYING CARDS

One BOTTLE OF GOOD WINE

Replacement and additional items must be purchased through our website. We gladly accept credit, debit and checking account as payment. We also ship worldwide. Even to the Island. However, we cannot guarantee the shipping time to orders to the Island. It may arrive past, present or future.

* * *

**ACTIVATION**

Your SAWYER unit will arrive at your home in an unconscious state. PLEASE follow the correct procedure or your SAWYER unit will not function properly. Failure to follow instructions may have negative results. Worst case scenario: He may not ever give you one of his endearing trademark nicknames.

The SAWYER unit has three METHODS of ACTIVATION. Please choose only one.

**METHOD ONE**

(1). Carry your unit to your bathroom.

(2). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).

(3). Place him into shower or bath tub. (Please do not remove his clothes! We know the temptation will be astronomical but you must resist!!)

(4). Get him completely soaked. (Have a towel for yourself at ready. You'll need it)

(5.) Wait a few minutes and when he starts mumbling make sure your face is the FIRST thing he sees.

If your SAWYER unit responds: I LOVE YOU then activation is a success. If he says anything else then you will need to get him even wetter. Either way it is a pleasing exhibition.

**METHOD TWO**

(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).

(2). Wave a can of beer in front of his face. You may also use a bottle of liquor.

Your SAWYER unit should immediately activate. Though this method is fairly simple it is not as much fun as the first method.

**METHOD THREE**

(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).

(2). Place a KATE unit in front of him.

(3). Play the MIX TAPE that comes with your unit.

Your SAWYER unit will activate and be immediately horny for your special purposes. However, this method carries the DANGER of your SAWYER unit becoming INFATUATED with your KATE unit. This method should only be used if you will not have any plans of long term romantic plans with your unit.

In fact, this method is so UNPOPULAR that the DHARMA Initiative is considering on permanently disabling it.

Upon activation, your SAWYER unit may be compelled to DRINK, FLIRT, F- - K, or CON the nearest person in the vicinity. He may even want to plan a scheme to swindle your dear Great Aunt. Let him do it. This is normal and part of his programming.

SAWYER units will constantly look for the ADVANTAGE of self gain and profit. He will also need to have STUFF or a STASH (this is discussed in more detail later in guide).

* * *

**MODES OF OPERATION**

Your SAWYER unit has been designed for various modes of operation for your pleasure and use. You may require interaction with other units to unlock all modes with your SAWYER unit.

**DEFAULT **

**CONFIDENCE MAN**: Your SAWYER unit's sole purpose and function. He is a well practiced swindler in hearts and money. Armed with a killer smile and body, he retains a NINETY-NINE PERCENT average of even conning the clothes off a woman or man. Guys, you will never have to worry about picking up women or paying for dates again. Ladies, you will never feel more appreciated or broke in his company.

CAUTION! Some of his activities may lead to criminal prosecution. We suggest you retain an attorney upon activation of your unit. DHARMA Initiative will not fall for any con to get his ass out of a prison term.

**ANTI-HERO**: Your SAWYER unit may be reluctant to jump in the water to save you from man eating sharks but he will do it. He may GRIPE or COMPLAIN doing heroic deeds but when it MATTERS your SAWYER unit will step up to the plate. Albeit, with more nicknames thrown in.

**MAN WHORE **: Your SAWYER unit has a very healthy sexual appetite. He will always be up for a quickie or morning/afternoon/night delight. He will always respond favorably to being "attacked" and having his clothes ripped off.

**CAUTION! **You should immediately set boundaries and limits to your SAWYER unit. You may exhibit continuous exhaustion if you let your unit always get some action.

**ACTIVATED UPON CERTAIN CONDITIONS**

**LOVER**: Your SAWYER unit is always up for a tumble in the bed. However, developing a relationship is another story and requires some effort on your part. To establish a genuine relationship beyond the steamy foreplay will require you to redefine your position/image with your unit.

Basically, your SAWYER unit must come to see you as more than an easy mark but as an EQUAL PARTNER. You must show in your actions to be as wily and aggressive as your unit in getting what you want.

There are various paths you can take to accomplish this feat. You may assist him in cons, humiliate your SAWYER unit with a long con, lock him in a BEAR CAGE, etc. You may visit our website for hints and advice on cons.

The SAWYER unit is not comfortable with the concept of PLANNING A FUTURE. He will be conflicted between giving you what you want and what he wants. He will also be tempted by monetary gains.

If you are looking for marriage or a faithful boyfriend, you may instead want to consider a JACK, SAYID or even a CHARLIE unit.

**READER**: When your SAWYER unit is not screwing or conning then he will certainly be READING. He is a big fan of the written word and has a wide taste ranging from magazines to Judy Blume. Any novels in your home will be quickly devoured. We strongly suggest you purchase more books through our online store.

**GOLFER**: Though not as experienced as a JACK unit, your unit is up to a few games if it happens to be your passion. We have a full set of clubs and golf balls available at our online website. They are NOT included as an accessory.

**POKER PLAYER**: All you got to do is give your SAWYER unit the deck of cards (which is an included accessory) and gather some players and your unit will be conning the lot of them. This mode is especially favorably for getting back at your stupid ex.

**SLASH**: You believe there was some definite sparks flying between SAWYER and certain male characters. Now you can play out your particular slashy fantasy in the privacy of your own home. All it takes to unlock this mode is one minute of interaction with ANY male unit. Except the WALT unit, of course.

WARNING! Do not attempt to initiate certain activities with any male or female underage unit. The SAWYER unit is NOT a child molester. We will not be responsible if your unit responds by shooting you in your private place if attempted.

**SPECIAL**

**MODEL**: If you submit your SAWYER unit to a marathon of America's Top Model and apply make up to his face there is a thirty five percent chance it will activate this mode.

Your SAWYER unit is beautiful! Why not take advantage of that hotness? Be warned, if your SAWYER unit's modeling career is quite successful it will attract a lot of media attention and fan boys/girls.

**GAMBIT**: Some rabid Gambit (X-men) fangirls messed with the software of some of the units to install this bonus mode. Basically, if you dye your unit's hair red , hand him the DECK OF CARDS and instruct him to speak in third person for 24 hours this might occur: He will develop red eyes, a little more Southern character and the ability to charges objects which will explode.

Your SAWYER unit's degree of hotness will also rise up a few levels. All in all, this is not a bad thing to happen.

* * *

**COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER UNITS**

**KATE** unit: They go together like peanut butter and marmalade. They will eventually screw like bunnies which may be extremely uncomfortably for you if you have ROMANTIC intentions for your unit.

CAUTION! KATE unit may break SAWYER unit's heart by maintaining romantic ATTACHMENT to JACK unit.

**JACK** unit: This unit is like the self righteous older brother to your SAWYER unit. Your SAWYER unit can't stand the JACK unit but also can't help but RESPECT him either. It is sort of a friendly rivalry. They will bicker with each other but they can also play games together in civilized fashion like ping pong and golf.

**SAYID** unit: They get off to a very bumpy start with this unit TORTURING your SAWYER unit. However, they will often have the same perspective on situations and will become amenable allies.

**MICHAEL **unit: They have a continuously bumpy relationship due to your unit's deceptive reputation. But SAWYER unit secretly admires the protective drive the MICHAEL unit has for his son.

**ANA LUCIA** unit: Your SAWYER unit crashes and burns with this unit. They may get it on once but nothing will come of it. However, your SAWYER unit will have a fondness for this unit.

* * *

**CREATING A STASH**

As mentioned earlier, your SAWYER unit needs to have STUFF or a STASH. It is relatively easy to accomplish this. Just follow the suggestions below and you will have a happy hoard for your SAWYER unit.

(1)Locate a good hiding spot. Being creative in choosing a good spot will go a long way in pleasing your SAWYER unit.

(2)Acquire the materials your SAWYER unit will enjoy such as: beer, meds, munchies, security blanket, mags, etc. Do not BUY the materials. You must swindle or take them from someone else. We suggest you invest in dumpster diving and conning your pals.

(3) Situate the materials in nest fashion in your chosen hiding spot. Your SAWYER unit will be satisfied if he immediately starts making trades with you or friends.

* * *

**CLEANING AND GENERAL CARE**

Your SAWYER unit is relatively easy to keep in good condition. To keep him happy, healthy and clean please perform the following on a daily basis:

(1) Sponge bath (with bubbles) or hot shower with scented body wash. He also enjoys light cologne.

(2) Shampoo and condition hair. You may perform a perm every now and then.

(3) Fast food and beer. Plus, your unit loves him some grits.

(4) Sex. This is the method used by your unit to releases stress/tension.

(5) Weightlifting or boxing. He needs to maintain his y physique.

* * *

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS FROM OUR CUSTOMERS**

**Q**: I was walking home with my unit when this man came out of nowhere and starting beating up on my SAWYER unit. I tried to find out why he would do this but he gave me no good reason other than his wife being killed?!

The stupid angry man keeps attacking every time we leave the house! I tried calling the cops but they ended up being shot to death ! What should I do?

**A**: You are referring to the aggravating HOSTILE unit known as DANNY PICKETT. This unit is fixated on SAWYER units. The Initiative does not know if it is repressed SEXUAL TENSION or what but he will keep doing it.

Borrow or purchase a JULIET unit and she will gun the bastard down.

**Q**: I want to marry my SAWYER unit but he looked at me like I was crazy for suggesting it. Help me, please!

**A**: Don't feel too bad. Commitment scares con men. If you really want to marry your SAWYER unit, you will have to con him into it. Or purchase a lot of FISH BISCUITS.

**Q**: I was taking a shower with my SAWYER unit when I noticed a suspicious rash near his d--k. He can't like contract stuff? Can he?

**A**: Yes, your SAWYER unit can catch and transmit sexual diseases. Did you not read the Health Hazard fine print? The DHARMA Initiative will not pay for your medical bills. It is up to you to use PROTECTION. If you do not have health insurance, you may consider borrowing someone's JACK unit for aide.

**Q**: I tried activating the GAMBIT mode and it did not work! You lying bastards! I want my money back!

**A**: Sigh. You must a CRAZY GAMBIT fan. The DHARMA Initiative does not reimburse for something that is essentially a software defect that MAY or MAY NOT be present in your unit. If you don't shut up, we will let loose the BLACK SMOKE MONSTER on your house. It will eat your dog and/or your younger sibling.

**Q**: Help! My SAWYER unit just shot some old big guy named Tom! Why did he do that?!

**A**: Duh. He was a HOSTILE.

**Q**: WHAT?! The guy said he was not hostile nor did he come from CANADA!

**A**: If your SAWYER unit does not believe him neither should you.

* * *

**ADDITIONAL INFO**

For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at our website or mailing address:

DHARMA INITIATIVE

PO BOX 4815

NOT IN PORTLAND, OR 62342

**Author Note**: Thanks for reading! I welcome any praise or scalding flames! ;-)


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